Is Messi’s latest outfit a cry for help?

Someone please help Lionel Messi. The man’s clearly going through it right now. He retired from the Argentine national team, he’s rapidly running out of skin to tattoo, went full Jason Bourne villain with the blond hair, and now he’s joined the reviled ranks of the ‘Full Kit Wanker.’

As soon as I saw this picture, my roast hand started tingling. Lionel Messi is maybe the best soccer player that’s ever graced this planet, but this is no excuse for dressing like a street tough from City of God.

Leo Messi looks like the dude in your neighborhood who comes around the barbershop selling bootleg CDs, and claims his dog doesn’t bite ‘unless he tells him to.’ Leo Messi`s go-to argument to defend J. Cole is that he went platinum with no features. It`s true, Messi. He did. But I`m still not buying a J. Cole CD from you.

Not even Paul Pogba could make the full basketball uniform look good, what made Messi think this was acceptable? I can’t decide whether switching up the shorts to black makes this better, or if it makes it so, so much worse.

And the white chanclas to top off the entire outfit. Fam. You are rich. Your stylist couldn’t get you some nice adidas sandals to trot around the countryside in?

I’m upset. I love Messi. But this is one too many times he’s assaulted my eyes with his outfits. No number of nutmegs, curled free kicks and fizzed volleys can make up for this. Please do better Messi. We all believe in you.