I was a puppy

‘Doctor, I used to think I was a dog, but I reckon I’m cured now wow-wow!’ ‘I see. How long did you have this complaint?’ ‘Ever since I was a puppy.’ ‘Interesting. Well, just lie on the couch there.’ ‘But I’m not allowed on the couch...’

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A man goes into a pub and sees his best friend playing chess with a dog.
He says ‘That’s a very clever dog you’ve got there!’ to which his friend replied, ‘He’s not that clever, he doesn`t often win!’

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There’s this guy with a wooden eye. He’s very sensitive about it, so he doesn’t get out much. One day, he sees an ad for a dance, and he decides to go. He gets there, and he sees an attractive young lady with a gigantic nose. He thinks to himself ‘Well, she has that huge nose. Maybe she’ll be more accepting of my wooden eye.’ He walks over to her and says ‘Would you like to dance?’  She replies ‘Oh!  Wouldn’t I!’  He shouts ‘Big nose!  Big nose!’