If you were my wife I would drink it

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ‘If you were my husband I would poison your drink.’
The man replied, ‘If you were my wife I would drink it.’

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My mother was rushed to the hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.
Unimpressed mom said to me, I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring and summer risk too.

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One day, a blonde went to the doctor with both sides of her face burned.
The doctor asked, ‘What happened?’
The blonde said, ‘Well, I was ironing my husband’s shirt until the phone rang. I picked it up and half my face was burnt!’ The doctor replied, ‘What about the other half?’ The blonde answered, ‘They called back.’