People-pleasing: Why it is more than just being nice

When we are brought up in homes where we have been neglected, we grow up with trauma and the fear of abandonment rooted in us. Hence, to combat that feeling of being left behind, we try to please people. This is a defense mechanism that works in people with childhood and abandonment trauma. They constantly try to please others and seek external validation, all the while pushing their own priorities far from themselves. "Many of us feel the need to please others. Pleasing others gives us a sense of approval and a sense of belonging, and who doesn’t want to feel that way? However, we often don’t see the costs of people-pleasing, which are much higher than you might think. People-pleasing may seem like innocent behavior, but over time, it becomes self-destructive, leaving us feeling drained, anxious, and disconnected from our true selves," wrote Therapist Klara Kernig.

Here are a few things that people-pleasing consists of:

Motivation: Acceptance from others and validation from others help a people-pleaser to stay motivated in life. They also go out of their way to put others ahead of us.

Lack of boundaries: A people-pleaser is often denoted by the absence of boundaries in their personal lives. Since they are constantly in the process of putting others ahead of themselves, they fear setting boundaries as they may offend others.

Suppressing emotions: They also never prioritise their own emotions and hence stay away from addressing difficult feelings, leading to suppression.

Anxiety and stress: The constant urge to be liked and validated by others, and also the stress of hypervigilance can make the person go through anxiety.

Feeling lost: When they do not receive external validation from others, they often feel lost and find no meaning in their lives. They also face uncertainties and the loss of trust in their own abilities.

Source: Hindustan Times